ohwellian state

sitting up in his bed
with his head angled toward the ceiling
he said
to his grandchildren

in a voice that reminisced strength and wisdom
"anton
aurel
i am weak
but i am not ill
for the next three seasons
i will be resting in the city
where i was born
a carriage will arrive
before the sun reaches his peak
in the sky

i have one request
for the two of you to share
and promise to keep

you must watch over my chickens
while i am away

do you both agree to this?"

the cousins paused
as if expecting something more
from an otherwise profound old man

they looked to each other
peripherally
to avoid any detection of skepticism

but the old man
being an old man

smiled again
differently
though

as a young man
in proper health
smiles
before embarking on a hunt

the cousins nodded in agreement
and exited the small bedroom

they put their boots on
and headed to the barn
holding out on conversation
until outdoors

where it would be just the two
with their thoughts
shared and otherwise
beneath an empty sky

this is where an honest conversation happens

away from the intricate webbings of the world's mind collective

the cousins walked
and walked

 

DANTE'S FARM

old man dante
was just as him name prescribed

an old man
with many regrets
and few wishes

he lived in a small house
on a large parcel of land

at the end of a road
that breaks from a road
seven times
before meandering into a wooden thicket

on his land
he raised chickens
with the help of his two grandsons

anton
and
aurel

they were cousins
orphaned during the war

and as a result

they became close
and respected the opinion of the other
while giving equal respect
to the opinion of their grandfather

he was wise
by default
experience

but he was also aging quickly
and as a result
had trouble
tending to matters

his body had become weakened
from his years

and his voice
struggled
to keep good pace
with his mind

above all
the cousins were grateful
for their grandfather's kindness

they always carried out
his word
and as the cousins grew into adults
they did so
more
and
more

never showing stress or fatigue

it was one morning
though
when old man dante
rang the bell beside his nightstand
to signal the cousins near

they hurried to his side
as they do now

fearing the worst
they waste no time

anton asks
"grandfather
are you well
what do you require
of us this morning?"

old man dante smiles

the cousins
know this smile
as they know their grandfather

he is drifting
to and from

in his mind

between two worlds

visiting one
more than the other now

...........

 

the river
and the "oh wells...."
carry on

as they do so well

the man who sat alone
and the woman who now sits alone
passed to each other
depth of mind
or
freedom of mind

depending on your perspective
or their perspective

while the bus carried on






all rivers have a common destination
though
don't they?

the sea

most always
yes

but what about the river
that becomes evaporated
or irrigated
before the delta?

the river does not arrive
in tact
to the sea

but the water
over the course of the cycle
always does

gravity is cruel and honest

 

"it is simple
really
you walk on the brittle shoulders
of feeble men
who starve themselves
to feed their families
of which you will never meet
because you do not know they even exist
all you know is the brightness of the sun
not the darkness of the sky
this blinds you from the truest truths"

the woman lost even more color
as she listened to the man who sits alone
she stares now
like him
but not

"you don't know me
at all
you are hurting
for sure
and you're making me hurt
too
and i don't deserve it"

the man who sits alone smiles
for the first time
in a good while

"i do not know you
but i know you
by your demeanor
and yes
you do not deserve to hurt
as i hurt
because you do not have
the capability to hurt"

"what do you mean by that"

"it should be clear
you've drugged your conscience
what remains of your conscience
into a non-responsive stupor
so you can walk
as you walk
and smile
as you smile
free of the pain
you cause others
in promotion of your
love and light
these souls live like shadows
in a state of mind you will never feel
because you fear
a dialogue
with the conscience
you've abused"

"you clearly do not know me
you're a sad old man
a lonely man
i have done nothing wrong
in my life"

"i am exactly that
by choice
but you are who you are
by fear
and denial
you desperately despise
in a greedy way
so you carry on
the only way you've ever known how to
as you were taught
by example
display your weakness
as a strength
a pink coat
to cover the breathless blue nature
of the words you dispel"

the woman could see
exactly what the man who sits alone
told her
any observer could read this
from the vacancy of her expressions

she bows her head
into the palms of her hands
while the man who sits alone
straightens his posture

"you don't understand"

"no
i do not
i never will understand
the fabric that patterns you
but you feel it
don't you
not the feeling i feel
everyday
but the vibration of the floorboards
of your mind
as they echo with each nearing footstep
of your self-compassion
your conscience
as it wakens from its stupor
what comes next is up to you
a conversation to be held
with no one"

"how do i make it go away
the emptiness"

"it doesn't go away
but you can lose it
when you appreciate
what you love
and you can teach yourself
to never repeat
what caused the emptiness
to manifest
in the wake of
what you once cherished"

"is this why you ride the bus"

"this is exactly why i ride the bus"

the bus pulls to a stop
the man
in his long coat
stands up
cracks his knuckles
and walks to the door of the bus

he looks around

before stepping out onto the well-lit street

as if taking in a final sight

and recedes into
an artificially lit
dichotomy

but before the bus door closes
a young man
in the prime of his life
strides in
compensating
for an embarrassment
of utilizing public transportation

his shoes shine
his belt buckle shines
his hair shines

and his teeth

sharp and unreasonably large

even they shine
by the glow of the sodium lights
that preserve the habitat of the consumer

the woman who sits alone
amidst a blank stare
cannot help but take notice
of the man

she feels a weight of nausea
creeping up from the base of her stomach

she sinks into her seat
maintaining her empty stare
beside her impractical handbag

and the young man
with his eager stride
raises his eyebrows
above the two busy passengers
looking toward the woman
who sits alone

he has that look
we all innately recognize
that "poor you" look
it beams from his eyes
as he nears
the
woman
who
sits
alone

he says
"hello..... hello......
fancy seeing you here
i think i know you
from somewhere"
.

 

she has a bright disposition
a radiance
forced or genuine
it is difficult not to notice

her smile widens at the driver
while paying her fare in advance
and she takes her gloves off
folding them neatly
tucking them into a pocket
of a very impractical handbag
she clutches at her side

she walks quickly
with precision
and scans the empty rows

she could choose any seat
but she does not

she watches the other passengers
avert their gazes
as to avoid any interaction

but notices the man who sits alone
staring forward
with no sadness
with no joy

she gives him a look
an easily recognizable look
the "poor baby" look
and smiles a shielded smile
that only she could feel

she coasts her hands above the bus seats
and places herself next to the man
who sits alone
even in the company of others

she says to him
looking toward the side of his profile
in a cheery
saccharin
sort of voice

"hello........ hello.... mister...... hello..........."

the man who sits alone takes no notice
he is not daft
he knows the type who sits beside him
while he sits alone

"hello.......... i think i know you from somewhere
you look familiar
you look like someone i knew
from somewhere
i no longer visit"

the man who sits alone
really could care less
you could see it
from his lack of reaction

but he is not impolite
he carries a delicate soul
as a memento of his childhood

he turned his head slightly
and states

"you must be mistaken
i have a familiar face
like the rest of my family
but i am not even from this part of town"

the woman looks perplexed

"then where are you from
i cannot get over the fact
that i know you from somewhere"

"i am sorry
but you are mistaken"

"no
i am not
and if i do not know you
i feel i should
because everyone who knows me
benefits from knowing me"

the man who sits alone
smiled with impatience

even if he hadn't met this woman previously
he had met many of her category
in shops he used to shop
and along streets he used to walk

"how will i benefit
from knowing you"

"i will brighten your life
take my word for it"

"i do not need any brightening
thank you
anyway"

"but everyone
could use
something
from everyone
they meet
you are no different"

"no
i am different
and i do not need to prove that to you
or anyone
for that matter"

"ok......
that is a start.......
but could you please tell me
one thing
about yourself
that no one else knows
i will promise to leave you alone
if you do"

the man who sits alone
pauses
for a moment
he knows what he wants to say

but a soft voice
the voice of the memento he carries
lead him to do otherwise

he pulls his arms
out from his coat pockets

the woman turns pale

"i lost my hand
and haven't been right
ever since"

"oh my.....
what happened"

"nothing
really
more or less a poor choice
on my behalf
when i should have known better"

"does it hurt"

"yes
more than it did at first
it keeps me awake at night"

"how do you sleep"

"i do not so much anymore
but i believe that if i travel
the pain may lose track
of where my wound is"

"the wound looks healed
though
are you hurting from something else"

"no
i hurt from this
and this only
my wound healed
but never healed
deep inside
where the nerves run confusion
to their source of attention"

"i don't think the wound hurts you
anymore
i think you feel pain
from something you are ashamed of doing"

"i do not feel shame
i feel pain
there is a difference
shame implies i am worthy
of letting myself down
but pain
implies i am hurting
because i deserve to hurt"

"why do you deserve to hurt
this confuses me
life is beautiful
and full of things designed to make you feel pleasure"

"it is
but those things are not for me
not after what i have done"

"what is it that you have done
that prevents you from living like me"

the man who sits alone
swallowed a gasp of air
and bowed his head
uncomfortably

"i betrayed the honor
my father gave me"

"but i do not understand
the wound looks to be healed
the pain looks to be distant
what is causing you to continually carry
this burden
you weren't even born equipped with"

"it is something deep inside
i cannot explain
you would know
the feeling i describe
if you felt it
as well"

"how do you know
that i do not feel this pain"

 

COMPANY AND COMPANY

a man sits alone on a city bus
nearly empty
as the business of the day
winds down
and the business of the night
considers its options

there are two others on the bus
and in an eerie sort of manner
when one arrives at his stop
another sits down

but this is usual
after all

it is a city bus
after the light of the sky
feigns its last gleam

the man who sits alone knows this
among other things

he rides the bus often
at this time
you would know this
by watching his reaction

to the driver berating the passengers
who try to escape paying their fares

the other rotating passengers
tense their shoulders
look out the window
or avoid observation of the awkward confrontation
by illuminating the screens of their phones
scrolling through the list of contacts
they sometimes call

but the man who sits alone
does nothing

he sits
hunched forward
staring
ahead
with the same emptiness
his posture elucidates

until a stop

in the good part of town
where the streets are lit
and the passengers
smell of cologne
and aftershave
even at such an hour

as a man exited the bus

a young woman
maybe ten years younger
than the man who sits alone
appearing in his mid life
walks onto the bus

 

I was puzzled, too
lol

it reminded me of the old saying
"misery loves company
but company hates company"

 

i have a friend
who is very religious
as in
"convert you on the spot"
religious

but otherwise
an amusing conversationalist

he told me once
"whenever you are feeling good about yourself
look at this picture"

it was an image
of sad statistics
concerning the welfare
of his fellow devotees
in other countries

i have a friend
who is very non-religious
as in
"convert you on the spot"
atheistic

but otherwise
an amusing conversationalist

she told me today
"whenever you are feeling good about yourself
look at this picture"

it was a chart
of all the life on earth
from all the ages
with our species
appearing as the tiniest
most recent
blip

amusing characters
say amusing things
but this really made me
stop
and
think

how curious that two individuals
who despise the idea of each other
say the same exact thing
for the same exact intended outcome
to the same exact person
for the same exact reasons

just under the guise
however
of differing beliefs
they each
pay their subscriptions for

tithing away
ten percent of their existences

to their respected
defenders of status quo

faithfully

i ought to set them up

skarred

 

so........

if i cannot say that i am my brain
or my heart
or my body
or the voice in my head

who am i?

when attempting to define something
it is helpful to locate a start
and an end

boundaries
for focus

would it be logical to say
we START when we are born
and END when we die?

if we choose that road
then we must first define birth

do we define birth at conception?

or the separation of mother and newborn?

or something else?

the second would be most simplistic
something that can be timed
with ease

but what about everything
leading up to that moment?

and everything leading up
to the creation
and maintenance
of the genetic information
passed down generationally
that allowed for the moment
to happen

and your death

do you consider death
to be a cease of function of the brain?

or when all the cells that make up the body no longer reproduce?

or when the bacteria
which outnumber body cells 10 to 1
no longer are supported by the body?

or when your words
whoever you are
no longer carry themselves?

but wait......

could you experience the latter
while still walking about with a functioning brain?

the cells that made up my body
when i was a newborn
have been replenished several times

have i died several times?

and how would i know this
if i cannot define who i even am?

STANDING ON THE OUTSIDE
LOOKING IN

this becomes the problem
and i
whoever i may be
collectively or not
understand it to be a problem

before i describe the problem
i will describe the food source
the problems congregate around

a drop of rain
does not understand
the cloud
the river
the ocean
hydrogen
oxygen
the effects of the sunlight
or the cycle that takes it
up thousands of feet into the air
down thousands of feet into the ground

to understand
identity
in entirety
means you
STAND
UNDER
the foundation that supports
your concept of identity

but identity becomes tricky
as observing the thing you wish to understand
has an influence on it

and since observation is crucial to awareness

there are many things
observing other things
and each other
and themselves

whoever that may be

but
there are people who understand this
and have the answer
lol

they speak at each other's conferences

they sell books based on things PLATO wrote eons ago

they maintain online cultures of frightened innocents
to leech off of

yes
the answer they have
can be purchased
for $19.99

or a donation made
out of guilt

but if you want the real answer
the heavy stuff

you have to go to one of their seminars
in a mediocre hotel conference center
somewhere warm and pretty

$5,000 later
you are now certain
of your uncertainty

the feeling of not being enough
of uncertain uncertainty

this feeling
when churning through your essence
pulls you down
into low, dark places

where these parasites wait
in the shadows of each other

because they have the answer

that's what they say
right?

they have the answer
to any existential conundrum
you may have

AND THAT'S WHY THEY ARE THERE

in such a low, dark place
among others of the same

they have an answer
to a question
that is not a question
but a response

so they feed off of your uncertainty
in a grey area of things typically left alone
as they fall somewhere between religion and philosophy

this is the problem
the central problem
as far as i am concerned

parasites
with no honor

but as we all know
a parasite can only flourish
in the presence of a host

and it is the ultimate destiny of a parasite
should it take too big of a bite
or grow just a little too much
that it eventually kills the host that supports it

unless the host notices his affliction
pulls the tick off his arm
and teaches his children
to wear permethrin clothes when walking along the woods

 

ten hours of absolute silence
what would that do to your brain?

wait......
YOUR brain?

who does that make you then?

maybe the voice inside your head?

that's a common phrase
"the voice inside your head"

but is it conclusively coming from inside your head?
or is that where it is processed and amplified

now
another trick bag

who is processing the voice
into something that can be made sense of?
your brain?

ok, let's say it is YOUR brain
for simplicity sake
but only for a moment

your brain is making a commentary
on what it wants
or needs

and someone is making good on these requests
but who?

now
i ask this again
is this brain yours?

some might say "yes"
some might say "no"

others might say "yes and no"

getting closer........

"it depends on the situation"

when i am working on a complex algebraic problem
and solve it correctly
several minutes later
the brain is mine

but should i find myself to be an alcoholic
and throw off the table my calculator
for a night of eventually throwing up in someone else's toilet
am i my brain's?

but who does that make me?

"you are your brain"
a neurophilosopher says

but what if you
whoever that may be
do not have a brain?

dr. john lorber examined a patient
a math major from the university of Sheffield
with an iq of 126

peculiarly enough
this patient did not have any more than one millimeter of brain tissue
the rest of the cranium filled with cerebrospinal fluid
hydrocephalus

dr. lorber found several hundred further cases
with some having no "detectable brains"

most patients functioned well in society
regardless of their medical condition

so......
"i am my brain
but i have no brain"
says the man walking out of dr. lorber's office

"who does that make me
then
the voice inside my head
coming from cerebrospinal fluid
or my big toe for that matter"
he asks himself
whoever that may be
again

the one who listens
to the undetectable voice

the voice that comes from
somewhere
and nowhere
at the same time

"maybe that is who i am"
he says

so he carries on again
with an "oh well" sigh

like the salamanders in dr. pietsch's experiments

or the rats who ran in mazes for dr. lashley

remembering something
they do not know they are remembering

but who then are they

who are we

if each of us
isn't sure who the "i" even is?

remember the angry mob from earlier?
sharing a common mantra
following a leader no one can pinpoint

water
pushing
through
a
river

 

The synchronicities I experience here in the inphinet are astounding. The dancing plague...

 

if you and i switch heads
would i be you
and would you be me?

it is conventionally figured we are the sum of our minds
our brains

with the rest of the body a soldier

but the heart is electric and powerful

it doesn't rest one third of the time

now i think again.......

would i be mostly you
and would you be mostly me?

if so, by what percentage?

and if so, how would the percentages react to each other's presence?

a business relationship?
a hostile intruder relationship?

a relationship of that sort wouldn't last

the majority would win
just as they have to agree
to maintain majority status

and do we draw the line at the brain and the heart, or does our identity run deeper?

surely we cannot ignore the nervous tissue located throughout the body

"gut feelings"

or the executive ability of cells and organs to self regulate, follow protocol and defend themselves

but what then divides the divisors
and regulates the regulators
if it becomes more complicated than a brain's body?

it is an epigenetic study that the membrane of a cell is the true control center of a cell

it has the final say

not the nucleus

the cell membrane is what determines how the cell interacts with the surrounding environment

a small village kept safe by a tall stone barricade with heavily guarded ports of entry or exit

who really calls the falling coin in that village?

so what does that make the brain in our body?

or our skin?

oh....
OUR body?

who are we?

a brain?
a cell?
a reaction?

are we defined by our physical boundaries
or our electromagnetic boundaries?

if the latter, an angry mob may be one individual

with MOMENTUM

like a sample of tissue
responding to the same SIGNALS

.............

 

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OO OOO OOO OOOO OOO OOO OOOO OOO OOO OOOO OOO OOO OO
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OOO OO OO OOOOOO OO OO OOOOOO OO OO OOOOOO OO OO OOO
OOO OO OO OOOOOO OO OO OOOOOO OO OO OOOOOO OO OO OOO
OO OOO OOO OOOO OOO OOO OOOO OOO OOO OOOO OOO OOO OO
O OOOO OOOO OO OOOO OOOO OO OOOO OOOO OO OOOO OOOO O

 

THE DANCING PLAGUE OF 1518

what a frightening place to be, should you find yourself not stricken with the compulsion to dance maniacly in the streets
with frau troffea
with your friends
with your family
with your superiors
with your enemies

when the dancing finally stops
and the dancers
having exhausted themselves over the days
looking gaunt and helpless

notice YOU

with your hair devoid of sweat
and your clothing neat and pressed

yikes!

and YOU are outnumbered
on a large scale

on your own

should you have pretended to have caught the affliction?
maybe.....

should you have convinced yourself this was REAL like the others?
no........
quite impossible
there was something preventing that from happening inside you
it is still there
as you plan your next move

"if i could have just made pretend"

but that isn't you either
you argue with yourself
while the crowd draws nearer
and nearer

but now it is too late
it was too late to begin with

oh well...........

 

no worries rose

this actually fits very well

 

O OOOO OOOO O
OO OOO OOO OO
OOO OO OO OOO
OOOO O O OOOO

 

THE ASCH PARADIGM

the majority agree

yes
but why

asch found in his studies on conformity
that subjects will agree
in entirety
with an incorrect observation
if the majority in the group
select the incorrect observation
as true

even if it is clearly absurd

agreement carries weight
a snowball rolling down the hill

larger and more powerful
with each foot it descends

i tell a lie to a friend
and we get another friend to agree
that the lie actually happened

then we go into an office
and tell the lie at the water cooler

where everyone already knows better
and knows such an event
would not have occurred

but it is three against two

now five against three

and eight against two

and so on
until agreements are abound
for agreement's sake

DISTORTION OF PERCEPTION
DISTORTION OF JUDGEMENT
DISTORTION OF ACTION

and the "oh wells......" carry on

 

alienealienealiene

one moment please

oh well.......